Top Ten Signs That You're a Horrible DM

1. When you leave the table to get a snack during games, you come back to find your game materials mysteriously aflame.
2. PC deaths are greeted with sighs of relief from players who can now slip away from the table.
3. The evening's run to the 7-11 for snacks is later remembered more fondly by your players than the game you ran.
4. The players threaten to quit unless you stop breaking down in tears when they defeat even the most minor foe.
5. Your players have had more than one PC each who's died "in a bloody explosion of unidentifiable flaming body parts".
6. You have a reputation among the convention crowd as "THAT guy".
7. Your players tend to schedule other things on your game nights, such as root canals and voluntary exploratory surgery.
8. Every time you buy a new rpg book in the local game store, the clerk shakes his head and makes the sign of the cross.

9. Your players all recognize your adventure as the plot to last night's Star Trek: The Next Generation rerun on the TNT Network.

10. You've seen your likeness burnt in effigy at Gen Con.

Top Ten Signs That Bode Ill For Your Party

1. Your thief announces that she’ll check for traps, and the DM just laughs and laughs.
2. Somewhere about the fourth dungeon level, you all realize that each of you thought the others were mapping…
3. The DM occasionally asks what AC your armor provides the groin area.
4. The DM has your characters’ saving throws written down before the game starts, “to save time”.
5. Soon after you’ve split the party, that weird shuffling noise starts again from down the passage…
6. The reverberating shriek you heard came from the chamber where your ranger went to “just check something out real quick”.
7. Your cleric contacts her god for advice, and the deity ends the commune with, “See ya soon.”
8. Your paladin rolls to hit the slavering beast that stepped from the circle drawn in blood on the floor, and the DM asks, “Your sword is only +5, right?”
9. Every time your PCs open anything in the dungeon, the DM rolls a LOT of dice.
10. You’re rolling so many saving throws and attacks, your favorite d20 actually bursts into flame from the friction.

Top Ten Euphemisms for PCs with Mental Deficiencies

1. She’s not the sharpest dirk in the smithy.
2. His flint doesn’t strike a spark.
3. His bow ain’t strung too tight.
4. Her drawbridge doesn’t cover the moat.
5. His battle-axe is blunted.
6. He’s a few feet shy of a longsword.
7. She’s a few sigils short of a spell book.
8. They’re a few bolts short of a quiver.
9. They’re a few coppers shy of a silver.
10. He’s a few orcs short of a horde.

Top Ten Gaming Phrases That Sound Vaguely Obscene, But Aren’t

1. Unsheathing the broadsword
2. Laying on hands
3. Wand of Wonder
4. Prestidigitation
5. Bone golem
6. Portable hole
7. Buffing the armor
8. Grabbing the booty
9. Girding your weapon
10. Laying siege with the pick and screw.

Top Ten Non-Traditional Weapon Specialization Choices

1. Paddle, ping pong
2. Spatula
3. Lawn Jart™
4. Spitball
5. Stick with Dog Poop on the End
6. Flaming Napkin
7. Hefty Rock
8. Broken Beer Bottle
9. Dad’s Belt
10. “Grog Breath”

Top Ten Overlooked Monikers for Character Names

1. …the Savage but Cute
2. … the Flexible
3. … the Horny
4. … the Slinky
5. … the Average
6. … the Infectious
7. … the Masochistically Inclined
8. … the Under-Endowed
9. … the Loquaciously Pedantic
10. … the Flamingly Gay

Top Ten Reasons the DM's Eyebrow is Twitching

1. The male players insist on knowing the Charisma of every female NPC encountered... even goblins.
2. The PCs spend weeks of game time Speaking with Dead on every enemy guard, henchman, monster, and hireling they slay on the off chance that one of them knows anything about the master plan or rumored weakness of the main villain.
3. Just as the DM springs the trap during the climactic battle against the villain he's spent three days crafting, one of the PC's "remembers" the Ring of Wishes she found five adventures ago and renders the encounter moot.
4. The PCs, who have wagonloads of gems and platinum, spend two hours of real time bargaining with the local smith over armor repair costs.
5. After the players taunt the DM for hours, he snaps and sends an ancient vampiric dragon-lich after them. They kill it in two rounds.
6. The PC mage discovers that there is no ward against teleportation to the end of the maze that is central to the adventure.
7. The players can't figure out the easiest riddle in the world, even after the DM had the answer engraved on a wall and had four NPC's say the answer aloud.
8. The party has instantly slain the old man who was to be the key to getting the plot rolling, because the DM described him as appearing "wary".
9. The party has spent three hours searching the dungeon complex for the key to a chest, having never bothered to check to discover that it wasn't locked.
10. The party's spent two hours whacking on an irrelevent stalagmite formation because the DM needlessly rolled a d6 when they checked for secret doors

Top Ten Rejected TSR 1st Edition Module Titles

1. Against the Cult of the Gerbil God
2. Temple of Elemental Mediocrity
3. Against the Sloths
4. In Search of the Known
5. Wombatloft
6. The Forgotten… Something
7. The Goblin’s Tea Party
8. The Lost Shrine of Chimichanga
9. Tomb of Spooky Stuff
10. The Privy on the Borderlands

Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much D&D

1. You'd rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics than win the lottery.
2. Your "If I Won the Lottery" plans involve creating: (a) a really cool AD&D room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and your friends can play AD&D for real.
3. Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say, "Dude, get a grip."
4. After months of work, you've made up the entire dwarven language; vocabulary, grammar rules, the whole lot. You're bilingual, and can now speak fluent dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely, and no one will sit on the same side of the table as you.
5. You sign personal correspondences with your character's name.
6. You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG...but you can't remember how many kids you have.
7. You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.
8. You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.
9. Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years...and you haven't.
10. Someone asks "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?", and you reply, "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."

Top Ten Signs Your Cleric's a Fraud

1. Holy symbol is a rubber chicken.
2. Sips "holy water" from a hip flask.
3. His god’s name is the same as his horse’s, spelled backwards.
4. Most useful spells include Identify Hiccups and Detect Sprung Traps.
5. His fifth-level deity-granted power is belching the alphabet.
6. His god’s followers don’t turn undead, they agitate them.
7. His daily prayers sound suspiciously like mumbled tavern drinking songs.
8. Her holy vows include "Party til you puke".
9. Constantly giggles while hearing confessions.
10. Has prison tattoos.

Top Ten Signs Your DM Has Gone Nuts

1. He only allows the gamers to order food if they roll an 18 or higher, else you go hungry for the night.
2. He tells you he no longer needs dice; he can see them in his own head.
3. Every time someone looks at the DM, he starts sweating profusely and rolls to see if he saved vs confusion.
4. He uses hand puppets to act out encounters.
5. When the DM wants to talk with someone privately, he pulls them under the table and whispers to them, instead of using another room.
6. Every once in a while after a die roll, he yells "Yahtzee!"
7. Whenever you roll a critical hit against an NPC, the DM starts yelling "Have at you!" and kicking you beneath the table.
8. He frequently disappears behind his screen, and can be heard to softly mutter, "My precccciousss, my preciousssss..."
9. He actually makes players speak in alignment languages while gaming.
10. He begins brewing his own grog in his basement.

Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Hard

(Idea for list respectfully stolen from Mr. Cole Austin)

1. Regular rabbits are gone; they've all been replaced by the killer rabbit from Monty Python.
2. Trees can, and often do, explode in huge, 20d6 damage-die fireballs. No explanation is ever offered.
3. Your mage casts 'Charm' on a local merchant during a bartering session. Sadly, the merchant is a retired 22nd level elven mage...
4. DM often consults the Wandering Monster charts, even in PCs' homes.
5. Most peasants have double-digit hit dice, and many know the Power Word, Kill spell.
6. There are lethal traps on every latrine door.
7. Your 15th level thief just had the snot kicked out of her by an eight-year-old girl.
8. Your fighter pinches the barmaid's bottom. The barmaid pulls out a Crossbow of Slaying.
9. Your DM's Critical Miss chart includes several categories of "Self Mutilation".
10. You've been playing for 3 weeks, and have 46 dead characters.

Top Ten Signs Your Party is Too High Level

1. You’re working through the list of artifacts in the DM’s Guide because you’ve "Gotta Catch ‘Em All!"
2. Gods contact your cleric for advice.
3. Your THAC0 is so low you sometimes accidentally eviscerate hirelings while slicing bread.
4. Your AC is so low you can’t even use a backscratcher.
5. It takes your warrior longer to choose a magic weapon from his arsenal than it does to actually slay foes with it.
6. To add some challenge, your thief picks locks with her feet.
7. You’re on a first name basis with three of the Nine Lords of Hell. (And you’ve killed the other six.)
8. Your party’s attracted more combined followers than the Grateful Dead.
9. Your bard can charm a ravaging orc horde with a comb and wax paper.
10. Your wizard’s spell books utilize the Dewey decimal system.

Top Ten Signs Your Players Are Veteran Gamers

1.  Whenever you spontaneously ask what their PCs are doing, every one of them is "guarding the rear".
2. PCs check the walls repeatedly for secret doors, even in taverns and jail cells.
3. Their characters won’t even use an outhouse without being armed and armored.
4. Can’t remember their phone number accurately, but can quote the exact price of any random snack food item.
5. When faced with any real-life task, their first inclination is to ask if anyone has a ten foot pole. Or rope.
6. They have "a system" for storing dice when not using them.
7. They can rattle off the statistics, characteristics, and abilities of any opponent in any game system after one line of description from the GM.
8. Their spouse had to forbid them from adding "the Mighty" or "the Great" to their newborn’s birth certificate.
9. They answer direct questions from their boss in the form of a cryptic prophesy.
10. Players check their seats at the gaming table for traps.

Top Ten Signs You Just Met the Main Bad Guy

(Respects to Cole Austin for some material)

1. After the battle, there aren't enough recognizable PC parts left to Resurrect anyone.
2. The bad guy keeps Mordenkainen in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.
3. You point your wand of fire at him, and it melts.
4. The bad guy is dressed all in black, but has one of those little yellow smiley-face buttons (DMs can be sooo sarcastic).
5. The DM plays a tape of scary organ music, and starts talking like Boris Karloff.
6. The bad guy burps, and a human toe flies out of his mouth.
7. The DM chuckles and says, "I spent seven hours rolling this guy up!"
8. The bad guy just laughed evilly, and several birds fell dead out of the sky.
9. The ancient red dragon you had just been fighting says, "Crap! I'm outa here!" and flies away.
10. Your assassin henchman just wet his pants.

Top Ten Useless Spells

1. Create Socks
2. Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Flatulence
3. Speak with Gnats
4. Turn Sticks to Other Sticks
5. Really, Really Limited Wish
6. Create Tissue Paper Golem
7. Power Word, Burp
8. Teleport With Horrendous Error
9. Mordenkainen’s Irritating Paper Cut
10. Detect Traps That Just Went Off

Top Ten Rejected 3rd Edition D&D Ideas

1.  Halflings giggle when you poke their bellies.
2. Tube top armor.
3. Revised Gastrointestinal Distress tables
4. 39-sided dice.
5. The “Smurf” character race.
6. Hit Points replaced with “Boo Boos”.
7. Accidental Decapitation rolls.
8. Alignment diagram includes ‘Ugly Stupid’.
9. 9 ½ foot poles.
10. Undead Dungeon Masters.

Top Ten Things You Don’t Wanna Hear in the Dungeon

1. “Wow! You don’t think those are all blood stains, do you?”
2. “Oh, wait, I should have checked for traps…”
3. “I think that door was one-way.”
4. “Me? I thought you had torches.”
5. "Think this gas is pois…? Ack!" THUMP.
6. “Sure I’ve got healing potions. They’re in my saddlebags.”
7. “The mage has hiccups.”
8. “That rumbling sound is coming awfully fast.”
9. “Hey, weren’t there six of us when we came in?”
10. CLICK!

Top Ten Least Desirable Magic Items to Find

1. Vorpal nail clippers
2. Gem of Seeing Old People Naked
3. Bag of Holding Odors
4. Wand of Wonder Where That Rash Came From
5. Helm of Giant Club Attraction
6. Potion of Damn Ugly
7. Sword +2, +25 vs. You
8. Scroll of “Invisibility” (Makes everything else invisible to you.)
9. Amulet of Excruciating Sex Change
10. Scroll of “Leomund’s Tiny Vomitorium”

Top Ten Signs Your Party’s Thief is Not Guild Material

1. Constantly misplaces his own coin pouch
2. Can only climb walls shaped roughly like stairs
3. Hiding in shadows hampered by hysterical fear of the dark
4. Has only six fingers left to disarm traps with
5. Never notices your henchman picking her pocket
6. Thieves tools comprised of one rusty coat hanger
7. When “Hearing Noise”, always hears the ocean
8. Detect Traps strategy usually involves shoving a hireling into the room first
9. Could move silently, but for the squeaky shoes
10. Resorts to Read Language skills to decipher tavern menus

Top Ten Signs The DM Is Out to Get You

1.  Every treasure chest you find goes “tick…tick…tick…”
2. The last six goblins you fought were specialist psionic wizard monks.
3. Even saddle sores require you to roll on the Critical Hit table.
4. The fighters’ armor begins to squeal horribly every time you get to level three of the dungeon.
5. Every time a monster scores a critical hit, the DM dances and spikes a d20.
6. Armor class for kobolds is slowly creeping up into the forties.
7. Opponents inexplicably roll d12 for damage, even for daggers.
8. There is an inordinate number of Type III demons lurking in your village taverns.
9. The DM ruled that rolling 1-19 is now a “fumble”.
10. Why else would Tiamat declare a blood feud with your third level characters?

Top Ten Phrases That Scare the Bajeezus Out of Hirelings

1.  “Great. Now we need a new torch bearer.”
2. “Someone has to go first.”
3. “Who’s the least valuable person in the group?”
4. “We couldn’t carry it all. One of you will have to go back down for the rest.”
5. “Don’t worry, it’s harmless.”
6. “Taste this.”
7. “Stay here and guard the horses.”
8. “We just need someone to distract the beast.”
9. “Glad to have you aboard! Just sign this waiver.”
10. “Cover us!”

Top Ten Least Popular Halfling Names

1. Hulkster
2. Goliath
3. Conan
4. Andre
5. Lurch
6. Stocklos
7. Orson
8. Tyson
9. Darth
10. Kareem

Top Ten Least Scary Villain Threats

1. "You've been lucky, fighting past my loyal guards! But now, my bikini-clad double-jointed cheerleader troops will finish you off!"
2. "You've interfered in my plans enough, meddling fools, and must be punished! Go bring me my belt!"
3. "Now, watch as the might of this fully operational battlestation destroys your homeworld!... Or, at least that 7-11 on the corner..."
4. "Now that I have captured you, I order you banished to the Dungeons of Moody Angst for the rest of your pathetic lives!"
5. "One push of this button, and you all die! HA Ha ha haaaa!"... (click!)...(click!)..."Crap. Forgot to plug it in."
6. "Your weapons are no match against the power of the Dark Side of the Force!... Which I think one of my generals has studied. You, Gen. Talon? No? ...Gen. Mordred? No?... Hmmm..."
7. "One flip of this switch, and my Electromagnetic Pulse Generator shall render your hi-tech weapons useless!.... Oh, wait... I wonder if this thing would affect my pacemaker?"
8. "I'll give you a paper cut you won't soon forget!"
9. "And now, you die." (Fip) "What?... Oh, I grabbed the cigarette lighter that looks like a gun out of the desk drawer. Hold on..."
10. "You asked for it!... Tickle! Tickle! Tickle!"

Top Ten Rejected Power Word Spell Variations

1. Power Word, Kvetch
2. Power Word, Twitter
3. Power Word, Slobber
4. Power Word, Gargle
5. Power Word, Rap
6. Power Word, 'Thumbs Up'
7. Power Word, Adjust Crotch
8. Power Word, Shuffle
9. Power Word, Baste
10. Power Word, Bump n' Grind

Top Ten Thief Complaints

1. Dungeon walls chip fingernails.
2. Very few people in medieval society even have pockets.
3. Completely black wardrobe makes people constantly mistake you for a Goth.
4. You NEVER get to divide up the treasure.
5. Just because you're around, nobody ever brings a damn grappling hook.
6. Hard to 'hear noise' when entire adventuring party stands right behind you hissing 'Ssshhhh!' at each other.
7. Acquaintances always surreptitiously count their jewelry after shaking your hand.
8. Thieves Cant not even really as cool as Valley Girl slang.
9. People say 'backstabber' like it's a bad thing.
10. Acidic spray in the eyeballs when 'disarm traps' goes awry.

Top Ten Perks to Being a Mage

1.  People assume you're smart when you wear a pointy hat.
2. Guild membership gets you a better discount than the Diner's Club card.
3. The pyromancers always host a summer BBQ.
4. It's fun to play with wands.
5. Everyone is always polite to you… very polite to you.
6. Romance is more fun with cantrips.
7. Name spells after yourself!
8. Jehovah's Witnesses stay way the hell away from your tower, after the 'chain lightning' incident.
9. 'Unseen servant'... no more fetching your own ale.
10. Robes are comfy.

Top Ten Popular Hobgoblin Proverbs

1. Do unto others, then blame the orcs.
2. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cured elf meat.
3. Too many chiefs, not enough lowly cretins to die bloody deaths at the whim of the chief.
4. A stitch in time leaves a cool scar.
5. An apple a day can be popped into a roasting hobbit's mouth.
6. There's more than one way to skin a cleric.
7. A bird in the hand is worth two that can't be tortured for the whereabouts of other birds.
8. A fool and his head are soon parted.
9. A rolling stone gathers no moss, but your crushed enemies won't be concerned with moss.
10. Cold hand, warm heart... unless cut from the chest cavity.

Top Ten Reasons It's Hard for Male Gamers to Date

1. Your knowledge of social skills is limited to 'bartering' and 'whacking things with mace'.
2. Non-gamers spend too much time at other activities, like bathing.
3. You own more dice than eating utensils.
4. Live girlfriends get tired of your male pals debating their Comeliness score.
5. Your idea of a romantic dinner out is at a Ren Faire or a 'Medieval Times' restaurant.
6. You keep trying to talk her into a chainmail bikini.
7. "You want your wedding theme to be Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "
8. The beneficiary of your life insurance policy is Gary Gygax.
9. You think your Ultima Online buddies are cooler than your date's flesh and blood friends.
10. While being intimate, you insist on rolling a d20 to see if you fumble.

Top Ten Rejected White Wolf © RPG Titles

1.  Pets: The Shedding
2. Teens: The Pimpling
3. Mom: The Fretting
4. Supermodel: The Augmenting
5. Ptomaine: The Barfing
6. Divorceé: The Flirting
7. Inch Worm: The Undulating
8. Elvis Impersonator: The Gyrating
9. Groundskeeper: The Gardening
10. Redneck: The Eternal Mullet

Top Ten Other Names for Bard levels 12-22

by D.L. Campbell

1. Bard and a Half
2. Bard and Three Quarters
3. All Bard and A Bag of Chips
4. Superbard
5. Barde Krishna
6. Miss Bard If You're Nasty
7. B Diddy
8. Bardass
9. Bardimus Maximus
10. Bardylicious

Top Ten Reasons to Play a Wookiee PC

1. It's never 'flea and tick season' in space.
2. You make that ammo bandolier look goooood !
3. You get your money's worth at the spaceport vacation hair braiding stands.
4. Don't have enough credits for dinner? 'Alpo' tastes great!
5. You always seem to win at chess, even though you don't know how to play.
6. When pals scratch you in the right spot, your leg goes real fast.
7. One deep throated Rrrrooooowwwrrrrr!! is worth a thousand words.
8. Amuse yourself on long space flights with chew toys.
9. Bow casters look way cooler than laser pistols.
10. No one ever mentions it, but under that fur, you're always naked!

Top Ten Least Scary Villain Threats, Pt II

1. "Your pathetic band of heroes is no match for my Elite Ballet Squad!"
2. "Now you’ll face the wrath of my undead servants… as they serve you stale crumpets! Bwaaa ha ha ha!"
3. "Gerbils… attack!"
4. "You bested my Black Doomguard. But now you shall face… my Nerf golem!"
5. "Guards! Muss the intruders’ hair!"
6. "Bah! Puny adventurers! Wait here while I go memorize a really nasty spell of some sort!"
7. "Tremble, curs, before the might of my flumph army!"
8. "Oy! I’ll give you such a smack!"
9. "Now I shall see you all destroyed, and your bones burned to ash in… Zzzzz." THUMP. (Narcoleptic villain)
10. "And now…. into the Jell-O pit with you!"

Top Ten Least Fear-Inspiring Dungeon Encounters

1. Dire dustbunny
2. Demi-lichen
3. Weremaggot
4. Chalk golem
5. Giant trollop
6. Pudding, vanilla
7. Animal zombie; squirrel
8. Pink Slaad
9. Vampiric leprechaun
10. Plaid dragon

Top Ten Signs Your DM is Making Up the Adventure As He Goes

1. All monsters your party encounters seem to be in alphabetical order.
2. The dungeon layout is starting to look a lot like his college dorm.
3. The current adventure plot is suspiciously similar to the A-Team episode that was on TV late last night.
4. Every NPC you've encountered so far is named after the DM's favorite pro athletes. ("An orc named José Conseco? What the hell?...")
5. NPCs have equipment rolled from every conceiveable table in the DM's Guide. The last peasant halfling you talked to had a "vorpal sword, short" and a "wall, buttressed".
6. When you ask what's in the treasure chest you've just opened, the DM responds with, "Um, what do you think is in there?"
7. Instead of graph paper, the DM's dungeon map seems to be jotted on lots and lots of Post-It Notes.
8. Every time you ask about details on the room you've just entered, the DM consults a Pier 1 catalog.
9. The "campaign map" is a Sunoco gas station map from 1976.
10. While gaming, you hear the quiet sounds of Neverwinter Nights emanating from the DM's laptop.

Top Ten Lamest Golem Material Types

1. Beer Foam Golem
2. Underwear Lint Golem
3. Chewed Gum Golem
4. Sock Golem
5. Ear Wax Golem
6. Cheese Golem
7. Origami Golem
8. Mold Golem
9. Hairball Golem
10. Toe Jam Golem

Top Ten Spells That Sound Really Funny With the Word 'Underpants' in the Title

1. Speak to Underpants
2. Purify Food and Underpants
3. Summon Underpants
4. Invisibility to Underpants
5. Transmute Underpants to Rock
6. Wall of Underpants
7. Leomund's Tiny Underpants
8. Prismatic Underpants
9. Tahsa's Uncontrollable Hideous Underpants
10. Delayed Blast Underpants